26!

So at this point, I would be thinking that I should start to have some stuff figured out. I mean at least some things. But I keep questioning myself, and in turn, accomplish nothing.



Ugh.



I just dont' understand. I'm going to rant for a paragraph and most of it isn't going to make sense to anyone else who reads it, but to me it will...



I just dont understand. I want it to be better for you and i think i know how it's possible to achieve that and yet you dont take advantage of it. I mean its your choice and I cant do anything about it. But honestly. Ugh. Grrr. It makes me so frustrated. And this is how i feel it's going to be. im just going to be there for you when you need me and thats it. and of course i will be. because that's what friends do. they're there for eachother. but what if i want to be more than just there for you. what if i want to be always there. and i know now that that's not what you could ever want because you're stuck on something that's not good for you. if it's, if she's, so good for you, then why does she cause you so much pain and confusion. Love isn't confusing. love is kind and caring and just there. it's so simple. but i guess it's not for you. i mean, you're not the only one with problems, with issues and stuff going on in their life. shit happens. It kills me to know that you stick around and put up with something like that.



you dont have to.



But whatever.

So im just going to have to let go. I dont know whether its healthy or not, how easily I can break a connection with a boy. I mean, how easily I can start to get over someone? I guess that just proves how uncertain life can be? I have no idea. I just know that I can't wait around. I've learned that lesson before...I waited and waited and then he moved a thousand miles away, wanting nothing more from me than friendship.

So I can't let it be like this again. And I won't. I won't put myself in that situation anymore, and I wont put myself on the line like that again. Moving on. Okay.

Chapter 25

Aren't the chances and choices we make in life, what make up the person we are today?

Yes.

And we should take these chances and make these choices, because if we don't then nothing is going to happen. We're going to come to a stand still in life. And far too often I think people complain that their life is too boring and blah blah. I think they're complaining because they're not taking these chances and making these indefinite choices.

You cant and shouldn't sit by and watch your life go by. You should be a part of it. I've decided to be a part of my life. And the choices I make may not be the right ones, but at least I'm making them.

Quitting my temporary second job may not be a good choice, and hell I kind of know that it's not, but I would rather be poor, than unhappy. Any day. And at the moment, I am poor and at the moment, I am happy.

Karma has a funny way of working and I totally believe that it does work. What goes around comes around. Which may not always be a pleasant thing, but it's a true thing.

So love one another and take chances and make choices.

24

I don't want to sound super lame when I write this, and that may be how it comes out, but oh well right?

Right.

So, after watching New Moon 4 times, yes 4, there was a line in that movie that really stuck with me.

'Learn to love what's good for you'

Now this can be taken multiple ways...but here's the way I'd like to interpert it...

Say you have immense feelings for someone, we'll call him Edward =]
And Edward decides he doesnt want you anymore and moves far away. Leaving you heart broken and confused.

You feel like you've lost all hope and nothing can go right.
BUT then comes along this awesome indivual, we'll call him Jacob =]

And Jacob makes the pain go away and makes you sane.
Of course you could never love Jacob as much as you love Edward. But why not give him a chance?

After all, Edward left you alone and obviously didn't care as much as he said he did.
That's the impression I'm getting at least. So I think this Jacob character deserves a chance.

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad for you. Right?


Let's hope I get Jacob to come into my life now. Pppplease???? =]

Chapter 23!

So, who knows where I'm going to be in 10 years.

I have no idea...but if i could guess, and if I could have things my way. Here's how they would go:

I would 32(ew) and happily in love. Truly, madly, and deeply in love.
I may have a kid or two. Maybe not.
I would have a steady job that I love. And maybe going back to school for another job.
I would live in a house and would be happy where I'm at.
Happiness would probably not be in Wisco.


I mean something along those lines. I dont want to set anything stone. Because that makes life predictable. And I like the unpredictable part of life. It makes me happy.

I love randomness and happiness and peace-ness, and everything-ness. =]

New tattoo: to go with my star tattoo on my wrist. Love is my weapon.

Yes.

.Peace.<3.happiness.

Chapter 22

So.

I need to know that two people can fall in love.
And not only fall in love, but stay in love.

I need to know that some day, I am going to find the person of my dreams and I am going to love them unconditionally. I want to find this security in life.

Maybe not now. But I just need to know that this can happen. I've only seen a few couples who have stuck with eachother for the long haul. One of them being my grandparents.

And although they may not like eachother all the time, I can tell that they love eachother all the time. I want to find this in my life. I want to find undying love.

I know that these things take time, and you shouldn't rush fate. And blah blah blah. But. Whatever.

I just hope that someday I am lucky enough to feel this kind of love in my life, because...

The Beatles say it best, All you need is love.

Chapter 21

We go through life, wondering whats important. And we, well i know myself at least, question more than we should.

I dont think that life is as complicated as we make it out to be. I'm not sure why we tend to overexaggerate things. But I know I tend to. And I think I just want to stop doing this. I know I want to stop doing this. I want to stop questioning every motive, every move I make, every choice that pops into my head.

So. I'm booking a flight. I dont have much money, and I think thats okay. Cause you make yourself happy and the rest will come. Right? Right.

All you need is love.

This stands true for me. This is all you need. This is all I want.

I was once told that; I'm the kind of girl who always needs someone (a boy) in my life to be happy.

I was pissed when I was told this. And I thought to myself, no this guy is totally wrong. That I can be entirely happy in my life without a boy at all times. And it took me this long to figure it out....

I can be happy without a guy. True. But not entirely. I know I can live and survive without a boy, this much I know is true. I'm a very independent person. But. I think I need this particular guy in my life to be happy. Entirely. Whether he feels the same or not, is another story. And it's one that I do not know the ending to.

So what am I going to do once I get off the plane? What am I looking for? I have no idea. But I know that I'm done second guessing myself. I'm done wishing things were different. I'm done wanting this and that. I'm just going to go for it. I only live once, and if I never tried, then I'll never know.

Chapter 20

Just know that I could have and would have loved you with my entire heart.

And now I can't give you my all anymore.
I can't keep waiting, and hoping, and praying that someday you'll change.
Change your mind and come back.

It's not going to happen. Life goes on. Right?

You changed. You wanted to fit in. And now you do.
But you don't fit in with me. You don't fit in my life anymore.

But know, that I could have loved you.
And would have forever.

Chapter 19

So, I'm really liking life lately.

Eventhough the love department has not been too friendly to me, I'm still enjoying what I've got going on.

I'm moving to a new apartment in a week, a studio, with one room. Should be fun.

Vintage Photos closed it's doors for good. That was a sad day. It made me realize how good I actually had it. I've made some amazing friends working there and met other cool people. I seriously had the easiest job in the world, and got paid pretty well doing it too.

Paul Fitzgerald is a douche bag and ran the business into the ground. I guess that's what happens when you like hookers, booze, drugs, and gambling. Hmmm.

Note to self: stay away from nasty shit like that.

Anyway. What else is new??

Less than a month of school left. It's going to be weird getting out of that hell hole. Although I'm not complaining. I'm just not ready to grow up and get a big girl job yet. I want to have fun the rest of my life. I don't want all this responsibility.

Who made up this idea that when you get older you have to deal with more shit, anyway?

GRRRRR.

whatevs. I'll be fine. But I think we all need to more to Neverland with Peter Pan and enjoy being young forever. I'm down.

Ahhhh. Until another day!

chapter 18

Okay. So i work at a hotel in wisconsin dells, and also an old time photo studio.

Deal with lots and lots of people on a daily basis, oh and not to mention i go to school for cosmetology(which im almost done with!), so honestly lots of people every damn day.

Okay i like people. Most of the time.

BUT lately, people are so damn bitchy and rude that its ridiculous!

Honestly people, you are on vacation! why are you yelling and screaming at me, when half of the problems you have, i did not start or have anything to do with!

I just dont understand how so many people can be so upset!

Shouldnt we be spreading peace, love, and joy in this world. isnt there enough animosity and hate to go around?

I mean i just do not understand. What makes it okay to let your anger out on a complete stranger?!?! Nothing.

So I don't put up with it. I dont care if you bitch at me. Lady I am not giving you a discount on your hotel room. And sir, I cannot fix your face, we're not retaking your photo and you're not getting your money back.

So get over it.

Learn to love life and stop being such a debbie downer.

I do not care about your meaningless problems that are probably ridiculous things that you can control yourself.

All the problems I have, are my fault. I'm not going to yell or be a bitch to someone else just because i have some issue going on in my life.

Grrrrrrr. Mean Tourists, go back to where you came from. And stop being rude.

OH! and learn how to drive. K thanks :)

chapter 17

Do you have any idea what it's like to be incredibly frustrated with your life at the moment?

YES?! Well me too. I'm there, and it sucks.
I can honestly say that I dont think I've ever been this frustrated in my life. Ever. I have so much poop going on at the moment, that it's driving me insane.

Not literally, but pretty close.

I have this thing going on with my family. And my brother is going to have to move in with me. Which is fine and everything, cause i love him to death, and would do absolutely anything for him, cause he's amazing. But I'm only 21, and I want to do amazing things. And go amazing places. So now I'm putting that on hold. Which, I'll get over eventually. And everything happens for a reason, so I'm thinking that this is just another one of life's lessons.
Oh, I let myself like this boy a little bit, and he turned out to be a dickhead. I will never understand men. This conclusion I have came to. They're mentally retarded in some way. So this boy said he liked me, and said he wanted to see eachother. Wtf does that even mean? Seeing eachother? Duh, I know who i see and dont see. I'm not blind. Why not call it dating? Whatever. So we're seeing eachother right? And then I find out he's like got something going on with this myspace chick. Wow, I dont feel like shit, being replace by some random chick on myspace. Nah, no big deal. So I tell him to kick rocks and well basically tell him he's like every other dude out there in this forsaken world. So congrats to you Criss. You're a minipulative jerk, who claims to be something different and claims to do this and do that, and blah blah, i have emotions and shit, and I'm sooo deep, and i've been hurt by girls so i would never do that to someone, and i dont do this and i dont do that, and blah blah, i care and i feel, and my hair makes me who i am, and i dont cheat and i dont lie, and i think youre awesome, but i dont want to talk to you anymore, and i want to tell you these things but mean none of them and blah blah blah blah. Quit feeding me full of your bullshit. Because that's all you did. Wow. okay.

I feel better. I literally just let out a sigh of relief.

Moving on. I'm almost finished with cosmo-freaking-tology college. Thank the stars. I'm ready to move on with my life.
I just need something amazing to happen. Soon. Please oh please. If you know of something awesome, or you are something awesome, happen to my life. ASAP. Like fifteen minutes ago. Please?

chpt 16

hi.

I have no idea what to do anymore

Bye.

chapter fifteen

What would it be like to give your all.

Your everything to someone?

I want to know what this is like. And I want to get the same in return. I think it would be wonderful.

Now I know that things don't just happen over night. But why not?

Why can't you feel such strong emotions for someone in a short time?

I know that society would say that you're rushing things and moving too fast, and that it probably wouldn't work out. Blah Blah. Yeah I've heard it all.

But I think I could be different. I think that I would want to give someone my entire being. To let them care for me as I would lovingly do for them.

Ugh. I'm such a hopeless romantic.


But I love it!

Chapter fourteen

Don't Mind That I'm Sideways =]

I am happy. Isn't happy such an awesome word to just look at.

Happy

This is my favorite emotion. And I'm full of it right now.

Happy Lacey Mae
Things seem to be going my way. And I love it. =]

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.
They got better. Even better than I could ever imagine.

Happy

chapter 13

I think that i have been wasting my time.

Wasting it away with some nonsense. Nonsense that just doesn't make any sense to me. But i guess that's the point of nonsense, is it not?

Here, I thought I had something amazing, indescribable, wonderful. But all along, it was just convenient for you.

Is that all I'm ever going to be for a guy?
Convenient?

I was a girl that you decided to string along until you decided you had enough of me. Until you decided that it was time to move along for you.

Well, I guess now it's my time to move on. Time to say goodbye to feelings you never felt, but ones I felt stronger than no other.

You can't say that you meant all the words you say. You can't pretend that meant them. You can't and shouldn't string along a girl whose heart could have been yours. Someone who poured their every last feeling into your heart, but you never gave a shit.

So, now I don't.

Don't call me your soulmate.
Don't call me your anything.
You never truly wanted to.
And now I truly don't want you to.
I truly want to go back in time. Back to the time when I decided that I loved you.

I Loved you. Do you grasp that? Do you understand what love even is? It's supposed to be this wonderful and indescribable feeling that brings you so much joy and happiness.
You've changed the meaning of love for me.

Not only is it something that brings happiness, but now it brings me tears and sorrow. Pain and trechary. And things I don't want to associate with.
Like you.

I'm done with you, like you were done with me..after convenient wasn't so convenient anymore.

Chapter 12

Sometimes I like to write.

Whats fair
and
what isn't?

is it fair to be told one thing
but show another?

is it fair to fall in love
and not get it in return?

is it really better to have loved and lost
than to have never loved at all?

is love really unconditional?

is it fair to give your heart away
only to watch it be stepped upon?

is it fair as i look into your eyes once more
knowing that i'll never see them again.

never see them smile or shine my way
ever again.

is it fair for you to say you love me
but leave me.

love is not fair.
there are no answers.
no easy ways out.

love is not real.
it's made up and hopeless.

is it fair to have found a soulmate.
a being opposite of yours.

to only watch them walk away.

why do i show my ture emotions
while you keep yours hidden?

is it fair for me to be real with you
but not get the same in return?

is it fair to lead someone on
and not care?

is it fair to be a coward
to give excuses of why you cant try.

cant try to love me

love is not fair.

Just a poem i wrote. idk i kinda like it. =]

Chapter 11

Ummmmm.......

So I pretty much hate my job. I work at a hotel. At the front desk.

And people are SOOOOOOO RUDE!

You're supposed to be on vacation people. Let's not forget that. And ahhh I can't control everything freakin thing that happens to you while you're on vacation.

So do not take it out on me. GEEEEZ.

Anyway. On a lighter note.

I got my sternum repierced. And....I love it! I'm just hoping this one doesn't reject like it has before. blah blah.

OH did I mention that I'm still head over heels for this awesome guy who doesn't live in Wisconsin. Yeah yeah. Some may say I'm retarded for waiting. But whatever. I'm a loser I guess.

Sometimes. ha ha ha.

Marley's this weekend! I cannot wait. =]

Chapter 10

Ha ha. Kendall and myself at work. These are our foreign lady faces.

Well well...it's been a few days.

Ugh. I can't wait til I'm done with school. I'm so sick of it right now. It's just getting on my nerves.

Everything about it!
OH well.
So yes.

I just started this new diet thing. It's called the raw food diet. And it's just like it sounds. Basically I'm thinking about becoming vegan. No dairy, no meat, nothing cooked over 116 F. Yah, we'll see. I'm only on day 4. But going strong!

Have you read the Twilight Saga?
I'm in love with it. Oh.
I think I found my Edward Cullen. =] Maybe. teehee.

Welllll that's all the randoms I have for now!

Chapter 8

Sometimes I don't understand how things work. In particular, life. But things happen for a reason right??

So I'm hoping.


Why else would be tempted with something that could be so great, just to have it taken away. there's a reason, that's the only explanation.

But at the same time, it's so hard to deal with.

So, i think for now, i'm going to try and forget about it...well maybe not forget, but push it to the back of my mind. It really hurts to know what i can't have right now, and to think of it all the time, hurts even worse.

Oh, and to make things even better, i don't know who my true friends are anymore. I know a few of them, but someone who claimed to be my 'best' friend, turns out not to be. Hmm.

not cool. but not my choice.

So i just have to plan out my future a little different, that's all. move out of this hell hole by myself. i can do this.

Time will tell what will happen.

chapter 7

So now the tables have turned, and i'm the one getting my heart broken.

If i do say so myself, which i am, i hate it.

I try not to break hearts or anything of the sort, when i date someone and it doesnt work out for the best. Honestly. I hate making someone else feel bad, sad, or anything negative.

I only want to bring happiness to people. But when things don't work out, well there's never an easy way to break up with someone.

But today, my heart is down in the dumps. I try not to dwell on things, so the faster he moves away, the faster i'll be able to get over it.

I almost never want to talk to him again, but know that that's not the right thing to do.

My life is like a soap opera.
And I hate it...not my life, but the soap opera part.

But i'll live. And learn. And eventually move on. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be, then it will be.

It's just not meant to be, right now.

Lesson learned.

chapter 6

I've learned that you cannot help everyone.

Some people do not want to change. They like being miserable, and no matter how hard you try to change them, and help them out...

...they just don't want it. They like feeling like shit. Nothing you say or do will change this.

I can't help you anymore. I've tried. You're just not having it. And me staying with you, would only bring me down. I don't like being depressed or sad.

I like sunshine and happy days. You don't.

You're surrounded with hate and animosity.

Sooooo not cool. Sooooo not for me.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


So, I'm over it. I'm sorry that you like feeling like shit, and love throwing little pity parties for yourself. I wish you the best of luck, and unfortunately I can't help you make yourself better.

You have to want it yourself.

And I hope you do.

chapter 5

Okay so...

I break up with a boy to figure myself out and he blames his whatever-ness on me....seriously.

get over it. Im sorry that I wasn't the one you're supposed to marry. I'm not your 'one'

BUT this gives you no right to be a jerk to me. None whatsoever.

Idk.

Anyway....

I'm so frustrated i cant even write.

Chapter 4

I like attention.

I realized this today. I mean not in a bad way. I just like it.

I'm sure that a lot of people like attention, and that's why they do the things that they do. It seems logical.

I don't necessarily go out of my way to get it though. So i suppose im not too far gone, or horrible.

Just a random fact about me. =]

chapter three

I realize now that i will never ever understand the opposite sex. they will always being foreign to me. they will always make me feel like shit and rarely feel good. this is a sad truth that i've come to realize...i've also come to realize that there is nothing i can do about it.

and maybe i dont want to do anything about it anyway. who came up with this idea that i need a boy in my life to be happy. honestly! who put this idea into my head? because it's driving me up a fucking wall.

i dont want to think about boys allll the time. and i've come to realize that, well i guess i honestly haven't come to realize much of anything. i know friends are all that should really matter in life but...

it's so hard when a guy is telling you how cool you are and how much he likes you one minute and then the next he really doesnt have any feelings for you at all. what the hell? did i miss something? you CANT just tell me how awesome i am and i'm the coolest chick you've ever met and then a day later have completely different feelings for me.

that's what you get when you let your heart win. you get to be some stupid girl, who comes off as being desperate.

why should i be faced with such stupid things. i know it'll just make me stronger and whatnot. whatever. i'm strong enough. i want to be through with stupid crap. want to be done with it! i've built up so many walls around me, that i dont know when to put them down and when im supposed to keep them up. it just doesnt make sense to me....oh well.

chapter two

Why do i feel so irritated with almost everything lately?

Boys.
Girls.
Works.
life.
Money.
love.
EVERYTHING.

I'm normally a happy go lucky kind of chick, but.

Okay. enough rambling.

i've come to learn...that you can't

be friends with your exes
keep feelings bottled up
get everything you want
do anything you want
live life without being honest to yourself
think guys 'get the hint'
be shy
be completely honest with everyone
let the little things bother you
be like everyone else


why does life have to be so complicated.

chapter one

And so here i am.

This is me. Lacey. I appear to be nothing more than normal. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Ohhhhh how you're wrong.

I tried to fit in most of my life. Blend in, go with the crowd. Up until i realized that it was a joke. and most things in life are a joke. we're taught to conform. taught not ask questions. try to be someone you're not, and forget your true self...no one will miss it anyway.

nah, that's not for me.....