5

I figured out why life is hard and why decisions are hard to make. It's taken me a while, but I finally have it.

There are too many options. Love has too many options. And won't you agree that love is one of the most difficult things that you have to deal with in life? Oh I'll agree to that.

Love makes life hard. Really hard. And that's because there are too many options. How is that our grandparents and their parents were, for the most part, able to stay in one relationship for their whole entire life? They didn't have as many options as we do. I mean some people even had arranged marriages and whatnot, but hey, they made it work right? Or they married their high school sweetheart and grew old with them. They loved each other unconditionally. So what the hell is wrong with people, myself included, nowadays?

Now I'm not saying that I don't enjoy options. But I am saying that there are too many. Im just so frustrated with love right now.

How do I know that I'm making the right decisions in life? How do I know that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing? I guess I'll never know until it's said and done. Or maybe I'll grow old and be alone. Maybe I need to be alone to have it all figured out. Who the fuck knows. 

Some days I wish that I could just run away and never look back. I just want to get out of here and start over. And you know what, tomorrow ill probably look back at this blog and wonder what I was thinking. But that's why I like to post blogs like this...when I'm full of emotion. I think that's the best time to write. 

I just need to know that I can be truly happy in life. You know, really happy. Not just fake happy. Sometimes I think that I'm happy, but then I doubt myself and what I have going on. 
I just doubt too much. 

I feel off track and lost. Like I'm running around in circles trying to find something that will never be. How do I get back on track when I've never been on it in the first place? Does anyone have the right answers for me? I know this is something that I have to figure out for myself, but wouldnt it be nice if someone else could do it for you?

I can think back about a 2 years ago, and I remember that I was a fairly happy person then. Just finishing up beauty school, thinking that I was getting my life started. I'm not sure what changed from then until now. I just don't know.  

You know, it's strange. I tend to be a very optimistic person, and feel like I usually know what's going on in my life. But recently, I have no clue. No ideas. I'm literally lost, and every decision I'm making is a guess. A guess that I dont want to know the ending to because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong one. Every day seems to be the same mundane thing, over and over again. I need something new. Somewhere new. I need a new me. A new outlook on life.

And now I don't even know where to go from here. At this very moment in my life, I remain lost. I hope I can find what I'm looking for.

I hate bitching about my life. But sometimes you just have to...it feels good to get it all out..even if it's to a blog that no one reads. At least it's out...makes it a little more realistic. 

cuatro

Okie dokie. What shall i write about tonight?

I honestly dont have anything in mind, but i know that i could kind of be productive and write...since i havent in a while. And the last post ranted on about a butthead...

So!

Okay. so i'm moving to Maine next September. Hopefully. I'm really trying hard to make this happen...I just need something new in my life. I feel like i've become stagnant in this area...like i cant really go anywhere with my life here. I know that probably sounds pretty lame, but it's true. I honestly don't want to spend the rest of my life managing a cost cutters. 

Thanks, but no thanks. 

So, i'm going to see what Maine has to offer. And you may ask yourself, why there? Well...this is going to sound even more lame...I read a lot of Stephen King books, like a lot. Like i've read more than half of all his books. And i love them all. And most of his books as set in Maine. I know that almost all of what he writes is not true to what Maine is like, but I'm just attracted to that area. and if it's a lame reason, then so be it. I just want to go and spread my wings and try something new.

I dont have any major commitments here. no kids. no house. no pets. no life. no nothing. so why not?

I mean, i will miss my friends and family a lot. they're my everything, but it's not like ill never come home and visit. because i will come home and visit a lot....i remember when i went to college in la crosse, i was home every damn weekend. sure that was only 3 hours away, but i guarantee i'll be home at least every other month. at least. 

so thats an interesting thing happening in my life. maine! yay! 

hmmmm, what else?

i've been working out an insane amount. once, if not twice, every dang day. I'm not trying to get ripped or anything, just trying to tone up and be as healthy as i can be. heart disease runs in my family, so any way that i can help to prevent that, yes please! sign me up :) ive lost about 4 or 5 pounds. so yippie!

blah, i lead a boring life. So i guess that's all for now! until the next time!

3

So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. And i kind of cut the other blog short because i was at a loss for words. which for the most part i still am. 

ugh, there's just been so much going on lately, it's insane. 

So my ex and i broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together one last time. and broke up one last time. and I'm pretty sure he hates my guts. and he has every right to. whatever.

why was i so indecisive? ha ha i wish that i knew. and each time that we broke up, id get back together with this other guy. so i was literally putting both of these boys through a whirlwind. which is so unlike me. 

as i sit here and type this. i wonder why i even started. this isnt making me feel any better. but i'm going to continue anyway. 

my ex and i got back together. there were a lot of unfinished feelings. i thought. and the last time i really thought we were going to stay together for good. like the long haul. until he lied to me. the thing of it was, it was a lie that he could have been honest to me about and i wouldnt have cared. i would have brushed it off like it was no big deal.

i have a friend. this friend and his friend didnt like my ex. which is their choice, fine. they pulled a prank on my ex and probably a few other guys too. they made a fake fb account and pretended to be some hot chic...they stole pics off the internet and it was legitimately a fake account. they added my ex and began to talk to him. i guess they gave him one of their phone numbers, but pretended to be this girl still. they said that the girl was drunk and wanted to hook up with my ex, and do some sexual things. blah blah blah. they gave my ex a fake address to drive to..where they actually were...he drove to it. thinking he would get to hook up with this hot chic. he got there, called the 'hot chic' and got no response. they told my ex that the hot chic was passed out drunk and couldnt come to the phone. etc etc. 

okay. so i knew about this story before i got back together with him the last and final time. 

one day, he and i were going to get some food together. we had been back together for about a week and a half. he was telling me about this fake fb account that added him. he goes on to tell me that he talked to this girl on chat blah blah blah. he then tells me that the girl said she was drunk and needed help...making him seem like a good guy...and then he said that he called her and found out it was a fake account.

I asked him if he tried to meet up with her or anything. his response: no way. id never do that. 

okay, so i know it seems like a small lie. and he and i weren't together when it all went down. but at the same time...why wouldnt he tell me that it happened? i dont know. so i left it alone.

there was another incident. he was always very secretive about his text messages. which is fine. its his business. it was fine, until i found out that he was texting a caitlin chic all the time while he and i were dating. and it was fine until i found out that he had intentions of meeting up with her. and it was okay until i found out that he had romantic feelings for her. and then it was a little less okay when he tried to lie to me about it. and whats make it worse, was that he told me he would never ever date her, and that he was never ever going to be attracted to her. 
wanna know what happened? they ended up dating for a brief period of time. i find that interesting.

want to know what else i find interesting? why i was so bad to him that he had to lie to me about those minor things? why i was always second best to him.

he claimed that i would never be second best to anything. well why do i feel so shitty then? it's been a month since i told him goodbye for the final time, and he still breaks my heart. 

the funny thing is, is that i was the one who told him goodbye. because he lied to me. 

I'm not going to make it seem like i was always so good. because you know what? i did cheat on him once, but you know what? i told him about it. and he and i resolved that issue. i had thought we did anyway. but he kept bringing it up and making me feel guilty about it. 

so i guess im just writing to get everything out. to make it legit. to make it real. because in my head, things just dont seem real at the moment. and i feel like the bad guy once again. i feel lost and confused. i'm sure ill find my way though. i always do. 

i mean. it's not like he's the first guy to ever lie to me. and i doubt that he'll be the last. 

but for now, ill say goodbye. in hopes that ill learn to forgive him and that he'll be able to forgive me and not hate me. i guess i cant live with the fact knowing that someone hates me. 

sometimes, i'm such a girl. 

two

I'm writing in puke green, because I feel like I could puke. 


I'm not sure if it's because I'm hung over as fuck, or because I'm depressed/confused/disappointed as fuck. I'm pretty sure it's between those two though. 


I feel like my life could be a tv show. It's so hectic and confusing it makes me want to vomit. Which I've already stated, but I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. 


Blogging usually makes me feel better, so I'm hoping it works. 


I'm one of those people who should probably keep their mouths shut sometimes. Well a lot of times. But I choose not to and it always bites me in the ass. Ugh, let me explain.


So. My ex and I broke up...previous blogs...and I thought I was cool with it. Well in the meantime I met a different guy, starting hanging out and liking him. Okay, well while I was seeing this other guy I couldn't help but think of my ex. Which I'm sure is normal, but then I had to go to him and tell him that. Which I shouldn't have done. I should have just let it be. 


But like I said, I have a big mouth when I shouldn't have one. 


So then I was stuck in a hard place. 

1

Today is a bold text day. I'm so frustrated. It's difficult to write. 

Okay, like seriously. 

We dated for over a year, you told me you loved me and whatever. Things were serious. I break up with you and you act like it doesnt matter and you dont care. Im kind unsure how to feel about this. 

Yes, I'm extremely glad that the break up went really well. Don't get me wrong, and I may sound hypocritical when I write this, but. It was like he didn't even care. There were no real emotions. 

He didn't chase after me. He didn't stand outside of my window with his radio blaring 'our' song trying to win me back. He didn't sob to his friends about how he couldn't live without me.

Nope. Instead he sat down and split all the bills with me, and took a girl out on a date.

Well, I guess that means I'm in the clear to date. If we're only waiting a week and a half after a year + relationship then so be it. Fine. I won't tip toe over emotions or walk on egg shells anymore.

Yeah, those are selfish thoughts of me to think. But I didn't even feel like I mattered after the break up. Like I was just another girl to him, and he wasnt even upset about it. And the hypocritical part of this blog is, I guess that's what I was hoping for. But at the same time, it wasn't. 

I confuse myself sometimes. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm glad that it ended. Now that I look back at it and think about it, he should have tried to make me stay. He should have tried harder to make me happy. I deserve someone who will do that for me. Because I DO THAT. I chase after someone when I care for them, I give them all the happiness in my ability. 

Why do I date people that I feel like I have to help? Why can't I just help myself first? It's harder than it sounds.

And I can't stop listening to this Ellie Goulding song called Every Time You Go. It describes my emotions to a T. It explains the relationship perfectly. 

Tape me up, then break me up. Ever so gently, when I'm at my weakest. 
It's not so hard...every time you go.

Okay, well now that I got that all out. I feel a bijillion times better.

Part 2

I haven't wrote anything...blog, journal entry, notes, anything...in a really really long time. It's sad.

I've been sad. Let me explain...

Ever feel like you're missing something in your life? Like a really big thing in your life? Well i was feeling that. And as you know from my previous posts, I was in a pretty serious relationship with a guy. And he and I were great together. We didn't really fight and we got a long really well. I dont think we should have moved in as soon as we did, but that was my fault because it was my offer to him. But i look back now and know that that wasnt the best decision ive ever made. but in all reality, everything happens for a reason. 

Im a firm believer of that. I believe i was sad because i was missing something in my life. what i'm missing, i have no idea. but i'll find it some day. probably. and well, if i dont, then i don't. things were getting to the point that i was becoming that bitchy girlfriend. constantly nitpicking at everything. ugh, i started to hate myself because of it. i didnt like coming home and being mad or sad about something dumb. i started to doubt myself. every time he was on his phone i felt like i had to know who he was talking to. was it that caitlin chick whose kinda ultra weird? idk, just dumb things like that. i even made him delete her from facebook and from his phone. i see that they're friends again on fb and probably talk now that he and i broke up. but..good. maybe she's better for him than me? i mean i knew that he loved me and that he was faithful, but sometimes the i love you's didnt feel 'right' to me. like they weren't whole hearted. ugh, anyway. im rambling. everything happens for a reason. 


i meet new people every day. some are good, some are bad, some stay and some leave. im glad i met him. im glad he stayed as long as i let him. i have no hard feelings towards him, and wish him the best of luck. im glad i felt the way i did and im glad i told him and things happened the way they did. i cant predict the future, but i couldnt see our futures heading in the same direction anymore. it just wasnt there. 

So im not going to sit here and bash him or say bad things about him. because I dont have any bad things to say about him...i just feel like i had to put myself first for once. I never put myself before others. ever. it's an awful fault of mine, and it gets me in trouble more often than not. im a firm believer that you have to make yourself happy first. so instead of being a hypocrite, maybe ill take my own beliefs and make them happen?

anyway. i guess that's about all. time to start a new part of my life and see where it leads. 

six-one

So. Here I sit at work, drinking a red bull. And I'm in a shitty mood. Ever have those days where you're just crabby? Well this is one of those days for.

I'm crabby about everything. Ugh. It's frustrating. I overdrafted in my bank account. Again. Which really shouldnt put me in a bad mood since I overdraft about every other month...maybe more...but it makes me mad. And I'm pissed that the fucking plow trucks had to be outside of my bedroom window at fucking 6am making tons and tons of noise. And yeah, I know that that's their job and what not. But seriously. It makes me tired.

I'm crabby that some people just cant let things go. And trust me, I'm guilty of holding grudges and not getting over things and whatever. But still, I can and will be crabby about it.

I'm crabby that I feel like I can't write about whatever I want to because I have to be afraid that I might offend someone or start some sort of drama. That's bullshit. Ugh. I should be able to write whatever the hell I want to. But yet, I wont.

I'm crabby because I won't make fucking bonus at my job becuase they make reaching those goals pretty much impossible. Fuck that. Grrr. I would love to make a 300 dollar bonus. Please. And it makes me mad that people can cheat the system and get look good while they do it. But I'm too scared to cheat the system and get ahead like them, because I'm afraid of getting caught. Is it so bad that I want to get ahead the old fashioned way and not by cheating?

I'm crabby because winter sucks. Snow is nice for christmas, yes. And I know that I live in Wiscosin, yes. But not by choice. If I could leave and move somewhere else right now, I totally would. I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I'd do something for myself for once.

And that's another reason I'm crabby. I feel like a I give and give and give and give and well you get the point and then that's it. I give to everyone. EVERY ONE. And no appreciation in return. I know that we're supposed to give and do things for others out of the kindness in our heart and blah blah blah. But in reality, don't we give to each other because we want to feel appreciated or be rewarded. And maybe that's a reason why we've become such a selfish society. But still. Every once in a while it would be nice to feel appreciated. That's all. Instead of feeling like shit.

I need something new in my life. A hobby or something. Anything. I'm gettting bored with myself. I feel like work is taking over my life and I have no time for anything else. And it's a shitty feeling.

It's a shitty day.

60

La dee da. So, I'm currently at work, and just found out that I can blog!

WOOOOHOOOO! This is excting for me =]

So lately I feel like I've been going kind of crazy. I think that I work too much or something? This seems to be a reoccurring(sp?) trend in my life.

And I've been pretty stressed out too. Which is a another trend in my life. Stress has become a little less since I've stopped talking to one of the people who cause most of the stress going on. And you know what?

I couldnt be happier to not talk to that person anymore. Ive finally realized that she just brought me down. But anyway, that's old news and I don't need to dwell on the past =]

I'm pretty dang excited for Christmas though! I am just about finished with all of my shopping, which makes me happy. I just have a few things to get for a few people. I love giving gifts. Even if most of my gifts are kind of lame, I still like giving them.

Something else I've realized...I need to take more pictures and start scrapbooking more often. Another thing, I need to blog more. Wow does it feel great to just write about useless and random stuff. It is nice!

Wonderful.

So! I got this cool new contraption. A nook. And I'm super stoked about it! As soon as I finish reading the book I have, I'm going to fill that bad boy with a million ca-trillion books! Ha ha, maybe not that many, but a lot!

What other random things do I have going on....dot...dot...dot..

Well I guess, not a whole lot this evening.

[is it weird that i never wanna grow up and be one of those mean/old/farty/angry/arrogant/retarded/mean/stinky adults? nah, i didnt think so either. i mean, it's not like i wanna be immature or anything like that. i just wanna have a lot of fun and be super duper happy for the rest of my life. that is all. okay.]

Until another time <3

Chapter Fifty-nine

So I would like to think that I dont have too many issues in my life. And for the most part that seems to be true. But recently a rather major issue has arose in my life. It's one that I'm not quite sure how to handle. So instead of going over everything in my head, I thought that I would blog about it so I can really get all of words out and not forget anything.
I haven't written a blog, because I haven't had anything dramatic/bad go on in my life, and I think that's the wrong reason to blog. So I shall be changing that. But for the meantime, I'm writing this blog not because anything good has happened. 


So where to begin? I guess where I see fit.


I had amazing friends. The kind I would stay up all night for, go to bars that I didnt want to go to for, give the shirt off of my back for, give my last everything to for. Basically I would do anything for my friends. Like my best friends. They were basically my sisters. We would have the absolute best times ever, and whenever I needed advice or someone to go to, they were there. And vice versa. I was always, 110%, there for them. To give advice to, listen to what was going on in their life, anything and everything. Best friends. 


I dont know if this is how everyone feels or how everyone sees it, but best friends are there until the end. Right? Want to know how I think you know you have an absolute best best friend? You don't talk shit about them. You say what's on your mind, to their face. You discuss what's bothering you directly. And you don't keep secrets from them. Because what's the point of being able to say you're their best friend and what's the point of saying you would do anything for them, if they're not going to return the feelings? I think that if you're going to have feelings for something, anything, that you have to go all out with those feelings. All out. And that's what I do. 


So I meet a boy. A genuinely nice boy that treats me with respects and sees me for more than just a piece of ass. Someone who I can confide in and trust. Someone whose only concern is about making sure that I'm happy and that I have everything I want. Someone I can be an exact equal with. Someone who cares about my feelings and wants nothing but happiness for me. Someone unlike anyone else I've ever met. Sure he's not like the 'typical guy' I would have dated, but that's what I love about him. Because the 'typical guy' I would have dated, would have had sex with me by now and said see ya later. Too scared for any kind of commitment or responsibility in their life. Too scared to have anything serious or anything that might actually define their life. Too scared to share REAL fucking emotions. Yeah trust me, I've met plenty of boys in my life. And I've been FUCKED over by plenty of those boys in my life. And each time this happened, who would I turn to for comfort and advice? Who would I trust to give me direction? My friends of course, because who eles would I rather turn to? No one. 


So while I was meeting plenty of guys, guess who else was? My friends. They've met plenty of boy themselves, this is true. And you want to know what else? I was always there for them when they needed advice and comfort. Or when they thought that they were really being liked by some boy, but in all reality they were only getting fucked over. Or when they had a pregnancy scare, or when they couldnt tell their parents, or when none of their other friends like that boy, or when they didnt know what to do, or when they just needed a shoulder to cry on, or when they wanted to me to go out to the bar with them so they could flirt and hang out with a new boy they had interest in, or when ANYTHING. You get the point. I was there through it all, and still am. I never once judged my friends for their dating choices. I may have told them that this boy or that boy only wanted them for their sex, or was being a played or whatever. I only gave them truthful advice based off of actual experiences. 
I only tried to help. Because that's all I've ever tried to do. 


But in the end, it didn't matter. Because who they chose to see, have sex with, or fall in love with, was their choice. They were the ones who had to date them, not me. Their life. I was only their to support them. 


Upon meeting this boy. I fell in love with this boy. And upon falling in actual true blue love with this boy, I became genuinely happy. Unlike anything else I've ever felt with any other boy. And I had hoped that my friends would have been there to support me when I finally met someone who wasn't a complete douche bag. 
And like every other boy, him and I had issues. And like I would have done before, I went to my friends for advice. But this boy and myself, worked things out. And now things couldnt be better. 


So this boy and I lived with one of, what used to be, my good friends. She's right I didn't really give her a choice with him living there and pretty much forced it upon her. Which on my part was shitty, and I will definitely admit that. But she was never there in the first place. Even when everyone in the house got along. And every time she did want to hang out with me, it was either let's go to a bar or let's hang out for like an hour before she left for her boyfriend's house. She had made new friends and had different things going on in her life. Which I understood. To me, it felt like our friendship was fading and it wasn't just because I had met a boy, but she had to. In fact I remember a about a year or more previous to this current situation she had met a different boy that she was happy with and all that jazz, she moved in with him etc. And I also remember talking to her about 3 times and hanging out with her once. In roughly a year or a little more. But being the good friend that I was, I supported her choices and was there for her when she needed me. Which was seldom, but still. I was there. Anyway. She's moved out. Things went south. Which makes me sad, yes. She said I've chosen my boyfriend over her. But in all reality should one have to choose between their sig others and their friends? 
No. I would never put that stress on another person. And trust me, their have been plenty of fucking times when my other so called friends have chose a boy or a different friend over me. Did I get all emotional and upset about it and tell them they have to choose because there can only be one correct answer? No. I did not. I was a big girl and got over the fact that everything happens for a reason, and they wanted to choose a boy or other friend over me, then fine. Whatever, life goes on. And when my friend was kicked to the curb or ditched, I was STILL fucking there. And even though that may make me pretty pathetic, I WAS THERE. 


So my other 'true' friends, apparently don't like my boyfriend either. And apparently I'm the last to know. But apparently it's okay for them to all talk about it behind my back. And apparently I cannot be happy with a boy without supposedly ditching my friends. And apparently I've chose him over them. Which is not the case at all. I continuously ask to hang or do something, anything, with you. You always have an excuse. YOU always choose someone else over me. My boyfriend, the one that my friends dont like, has done nothing but try to kiss all of your asses. Because I wanted you to like him so bad. But I've come to learn that it's not my problem that you don't like him. And it's not my problem that you can't accept the fact that I'm happy. And it's not my problem if I'm the only one making an effort to make our friendships work. 


I love my friends. I don't love the fact that my friends aren't true friends anymore. My feelings are hurt, and that's all I have to say. Everything happens for a reason, and I still live by that. 

Chapter 58ish

A new day is coming and I am full of life. 


And I so am. I know it's been like forever since I wrote a blog, and I know that each time I apologize for taking so long to write. But I've been insanely busy.


Well let me take that back. I really havent been that busy. I've just been working too much, and then by the time I get home, I'm kind of exhausted and too tired to write.


Which is lame, because I love writing. Well blogging, anyway. 


I love a lot of things lately. My life in general is pretty awesome. And it really has been for the past year or so. Yay! This is a nice change =] and one that I'm more than okay getting used to. So. 


Recent happenings:


I'm working at a salon in Baraboo. I love it. The girls I work with are pretty chill and easy enough to get along with. So i cant complain there. But weird happening. My ex's gf came in one day that I was working, wow what a awkward situation. Thank god I didnt have to cut her hair. ha ha. 


So yeah, work is good. I make bank and I'm not complaining. I'm paying my bills on time....well for the most part =]


I got a new, but used, car. It's red and super cute. And I love it. 


Still have the amazing boyfriend. Who is amazing if you didn't catch that the first time. 


Wow. I truly lead a boring life. 


Oh, I'm thinking about becoming vegan again. I just don't feel as healthy as I did last summer when I went vegan. And I'd like to lose a few lbs. Ugh.


Well I suppose that's about all for now. I wish there were more to write, but like I said. I lead an extremely boring and pretty routine life at the moment. 


Until next time....which will not be a couple months like it was this time. 

fifty seven

Readers, I apologize that it's been almost a month since I've posted my last blog =/


New in my life:


I have a new job at a salon in Portage. And I loooooooove it! Everyone I work with is pretty cool and they're not mean assholes. Which is a definite plus =]


I got a car!!!! AHHHHHH excited times a million. It's not brand new, but it's new to me. It's a 1995 Honda Civic EX and it has a spoiler on the back and a moonroof and its sooooo freakin' cute! 


Dylan might not be leaving to go to basic due to some medical thing, so that's pretty fucking amazing because I won't have to be without him for 3 months. I'd miss the hell out of him, and plus I think that him staying here has something to do with fate, and that's not something you should mess with.


 =] 


In other news, I want to go shopping. Pretty bad actually. It's been like, oh I don't know, a couple months since I've gone actual shopping. I mean I buy a few things here and there, but not a full blown shopping trip. We'll see how that goes though.


Vintage(the photo place I worked at for 3 years) is probably opening back up! Which is great news as well. I'll only be able to work there part time, since I'm working at the salon in Portage, but that's totally cool with me. 


So all in all, things have been going extremely well for me lately...which is a nice change. Well until next time!

Fifty something

It has been the longest night ever. Want to know why? I'm 5 mintutes away from finishing up my last 3rd shift job. Ever. And does it ever feel good.

=]   !!!!!!!! x 3500000000000

55

I know that my font colors don't match and that I think I may have numbered my chapters wrong, but oh well. And usually something like this would bother me until i fixed it...not today.

I am too tired to have a care in the world. I am burnt out and just physically and mentally drained. TO THE MAX. Tomorrow is my last day at Great Wolf Lodge. 6 years later, I am done. And it's never felt so great. Saturday is my last day at the salon I currently work at, and then I start a new salon job on Monday. So it's kind of like a fresh new start to really try and get out of this hump in my personal life I've been having lately.

YAY!

I can't wait =]

What else is of importance? Hmmmm.

I'm still going back and forth with this damn insurance company. It's such a pain in the ass. But everything happens for a reason and I just need to keep remind myself of that.

Whoa whoa. I am spent.

I wish there were more to type here....but unfortunately I am a rather boring person and I don't have a lot to say.

54

cinco-tres

I have nine minutes to bust out a blog before my shift is over at work, so here it goes.

Things have been going pretty smooth lately. I have successfully quit one a half jobs and gotten one and half new jobs. So that's what I like to call a win-win situation. My days are numbered at this hell hole hotel job, and I honestly couldn't be happier. I have thought numerous times about just not showing up for work and quitting, but there's something inside of me that says I'm too nice. So.

OH! The other night on my way to work, an old lady decided that it would be cool to side swipe my car and total it. Yup, out of the Ho Chunk parking lot...which is casino that spills onto a main highway, which I happened to be traveling on that night...pull this 78 year old woman in her minivan. Right into traffic, and even after I swurved waaaay out of the way to miss her, she still managed to find a way to hit me. Ugh, Ive never been in a car accident before, so let me tell you. It was not my favorite kind of experience. Boo. So I'm crossing my fingers, and hoping that everything works out, and I can get a vehicle and stop driving my grandpa's buick. ha ha.

Anyway, what else is new and of importance in my life.....tick...tock...tick...tock.

I have a kitten. And she likes to mawl my face with her kitten kisses/bites. It happens to be very painful...so I'm not quite sure if shes trying to murder me or cuddle me. But she's cute either way.

Dylan leaves in a couple weeks, and I'm pretty much dreading that day. 3 months. Wow. It better fly by.

Other than that, nothing else important to report on. And my 9 minutes are up!

Fifty-two

Hello hello. Chapter 52 in my boring and mostly lame life. Yay!

Ha ha, jk. My life is rather enjoyable actually =]

At work, like always. BUT...remember that job that I applied for as a Sales Coordinator? Well they called me today and would like to talk to me about the position....which is a GOOD THING! yayayayayayay.

I apologize in advance. My mind at the moment is like this: slkjfaljdflajdflj./////s/d;fa;lekrwe.///........d.d.d.d.d.kdkdslewwe3989482034.....

In other words, all over the place. Not because of stress or anything of the sort....I started this detoxing thing. And basically I can't eat food, and I have to drink this concoction of stuff. It's supposed to get rid of toxins that I have in my body. I'm not sure how many I'll really have, considering I've been a vegetarian/vegan for the past year, but who knows! In the book I read about it, they said that day 3 is the hardest..which happens to be the day that I just completed. But since my days and nights are all out of whack..because of my awesome 3rd shift job...I'm not really sure what day I'm on. All I know is that I cannot sit still, and my mind is going crazy. I feel like a could run a marathon. The book said that I would have loads of energy...I'm not sure if this is energy or something else though. Who knows. I'm going to shoot for 10 days though. I'll let you know how it goes. Yes yes.

Alright, and here's the part of the blog that I rant and rave a litte. Because it is my blog after all, and I can write whatever the hell I want, right? Right.

So.
Ex girlfriend of my boyfriend, leave him alone. Thank you. We're very happy together, and want nothing to do with you. I'm not a bitch and do not, I repeat, DO NOT, like confrontation. Whatsoever. So I'm not trying to be rude in saying this, but he honestly wants nothing to do with you....and no he will not give you his current address, which happens to be where I live too. If you need to send him something, send it to his Mom's house. You've been there before and know where that's at. Thank you.

That was my little rant.

In other news...wow. I wish I could honestly tell you there's other news, but sadly there is not. OH! I painted the bathroom. And Kendall, Dylan, and myself are going to a concert June 11...Bamboozle Road Show at The Rave in Milwaukee. It shall be awesome =]

(Yes, I'm still bouncing off the walls) 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lkdjflsfj8938495345lkjflfa.f.a.d...sdlfkjsdlfjsldf467**/*/*-*/*/.
Good night.

fifty 1

I know that life is not meant to be easy. But I've been having a rough past few weeks...and it's no one's fault in particular, but my own. I'm just an over-analyzer and over-thinker. Maybe those are the same things, but you get my point.

And in over thinking everything, I stress myself out to no end. I doubt everything and second guess the good things I have in life. Which is never good. If something's not broken, why fix it? Right? Rightttt.

So I applied for an office job at the hotel I'm currently doing Night Audit at. I hope I get it because this 3rd shift business is really taking a toll on me. I think that 3rd shift messes with you mind and body...well actually I know that it does. It sucks. If youre ever thinking about getting a 3rd shift job, don't. Just take my advice, and don't do it. You miss soooo much.  While you're wide awake, everyone else isn't. And then when you need sleep, you don't want to sleep because you don't want to miss out on anything else that's going on. So then you become exhausted and overworked, stretched too thin, and crabby. It's not a good combination.

Cross you fingers for me. I want that job. I need that job.

My boyfriend leaves for basic training in like a month and a half. =[ It's going to be a hard 3 months without him. I'm going to miss him beyond belief, but I know that in the end it'll be worth it. It's just one of those poopy things you don't want to have to deal with, but really have no choice in the matter. So I'm going to suck it up and be strong.

Because that's what I do best. I suck it up and stay strong. That's what I try to do in everything really..whether or not that works out is something else.

I'm literally blogging to stay awake right now. 30 minutes left of this place, and then I can go home and cuddle in bed for roughly 40 minutes. Then I have to get up and get ready for job numero 2. A day a the salon. Yay. Joy. Ugh. Ha ha. Nah, it wont be soooo bad. I've been learning to love what I have. And at the moment I definitely do not love the salon, but I'm learning to like it to say the least. It's a work in progress. I just don't like the drama...aka bitching and etc...there. So I'm ignoring it for the time being.

Let's see, anything else of importance to write about? I have a new kitty =] Olivia. She's adorable.

Wow , I guess that's about it. I feel better already =]

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49!

Facebook Status: Lacey Mae Harris is blogging her heart out. So here I go.

I'll try not to let you down. =]

Lately:

New apartment. Check.

Amazing friends: Kendall, Katie, Emily. Check. (That's to mention only a FEW)

Fantastic boyfriend: Dylan. Check

Bills up the butt: Check

Growing hair: Hellz Yah Boi, check

Lame ass job(s): Check

Shitty car: Check

New piercing: Check

New god daughter, Khloe Grace: Check

Best blog this side of the block, lipsticklullabies: Check

Out of ideas to write about: Getting there, ugh


A small compiliation of what I have going on. As you can tell, I tend to lead a rather boring life. But most of the time, I am more than okay with that. But I supposed I should delve into further detail with some of this list.

Ummmm, so. The friends thing is kind of a no brainer. Last weekend Katie and I made the great travel to De Pere, Wi to take my state board tests to get my license to become an official cosmetologist. Yippie! I won't find out if I passed or not for another week or so, but I'm feeling pretty confident =]

Boyfriend. Another no brainer. He's the absolute best, and I love every moment that we spend together. Today we went to the mall and out to dinner in Madison...good time. Hu Hot Mongolian Grill...I suggest it to anyone and everyone. Yum yum.

Oh, funny story about the mall....So I had to use the bathroom, but someone was taking their sweet time in one of the stalls, aka, pooping, and there was poo on the seat of the toilet in the other stall. So as Dylan is coming out of the men's room, I asked him if anyone was in there. He said no, so I ran in there quick to pee. Right after I get in the stall, a dude walks in to use the urinal. AWKWARD. I just stood in the stall and waited for him to leave. But as soon as I went to leave the stall, another dude walks in. Ha ha. Most awkward moment ever. But hilarious...I know they could see my evidentally girl flip flops and painted toes underneath the stall. Ha ha oops.

Other things: Bills. They make my life pretty exciting, and tend to take all of my every dollar that I earn each month. Ugh. And it doesnt help that I really don't like my jobs. So I'm looking for a new one, or two. Whatever works. Cross your fingers for me, and if you know of anywhere that will hire a pretty rad chick, let me know.

My cousin just had a baby girl at midnight on Wednesday night/ Thursday morning. Khloe Grace. She's such a doll. And I'm her god mother, yay! =] I can't wait to babysit. Babysitting is nice, because you can always give the kid back when you're done.

I got my nose pierced. Well a girl I work with at the salon, does piercings so she did it for free for me. No complaints there =] Oh! And I'm running low on ideas for the lipstick blog. Any ideas, questions, comments, concerns...let me know. Via text, email, myspace, facebook, blog, bottled message, postal mail, anything. I'm open for suggestions.

That's about all that I have going on in my life at the moment. Not very exciting, but I never promised exciting. Until next time Mr. Blog.

40 eight

So, as you know, my last blog was very lengthy and about weight. Blah blah.

Well to be honest, I haven't been feeling too great lately. And mostly about myself. I just haven't been very happy with myself. I'm happy in every other department in my life (except job, but that's not uncommon). I've just been facing some major personal struggles lately...and I'm not sure why. But it's making me extremely frustrated =|

So. I've decided that it stems back to this whole comment that Brandon made to me, and yes, I know that's it's dumb. And I shouldnt let it bother me, but truth of matter is, it does. SOOOOO much. To the point that I hate him. And I don't hate people, that's just not my thing.

I was talking to Dylan tonight, after a shitty day...and I was crabby all day. Which sucks because that puts him in a bad mood too, so I felt really bad. But he told me that I almost have this anorexic vibe going on. Like no matter how thin I get it'll never be good enough..I'll always see myself as being fat. And as shocking as that was to hear, he was really right. I know that I'm not fat and not obese...nothing of the sort. I'm not super scary skinny, nor do I ever want to be. But I don't think I'll ever be thin enough for the standards I have set for myself. Which is scary and stupid because I'm encouraging women all over to embrace their curves and love their bodies. But if I cannot love my own, what gives me the right to try and motivate other people to love theirs.

It makes me feel like shit when I step onto that scale and see a number that is too high for me. Keep in mind I haven't exceeded 140lbs for about a year. But that's totally unacceptable in my mind for my body. Why? I have no idea. Some days I love my curves and other days, I hate them. Hell, my boyfriend loves them and tells me I'm beautiful.

I'm going to start believing him. I've decided that I'm going to throw out my scale. It's an unhealthy obcession that I have with it. I think I weigh myself every day. Every damn day. That's no way to live.

I want to be healthy. That's my MAIN reason for working out and eating better. Health. So am I not counter-acting that by having this unhealthy obcession with what I look like?

Yeah, I am. So, I'm done with it. This is me changing and turning over a leaf. New me. 

Starting now.