5

I figured out why life is hard and why decisions are hard to make. It's taken me a while, but I finally have it.

There are too many options. Love has too many options. And won't you agree that love is one of the most difficult things that you have to deal with in life? Oh I'll agree to that.

Love makes life hard. Really hard. And that's because there are too many options. How is that our grandparents and their parents were, for the most part, able to stay in one relationship for their whole entire life? They didn't have as many options as we do. I mean some people even had arranged marriages and whatnot, but hey, they made it work right? Or they married their high school sweetheart and grew old with them. They loved each other unconditionally. So what the hell is wrong with people, myself included, nowadays?

Now I'm not saying that I don't enjoy options. But I am saying that there are too many. Im just so frustrated with love right now.

How do I know that I'm making the right decisions in life? How do I know that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing? I guess I'll never know until it's said and done. Or maybe I'll grow old and be alone. Maybe I need to be alone to have it all figured out. Who the fuck knows. 

Some days I wish that I could just run away and never look back. I just want to get out of here and start over. And you know what, tomorrow ill probably look back at this blog and wonder what I was thinking. But that's why I like to post blogs like this...when I'm full of emotion. I think that's the best time to write. 

I just need to know that I can be truly happy in life. You know, really happy. Not just fake happy. Sometimes I think that I'm happy, but then I doubt myself and what I have going on. 
I just doubt too much. 

I feel off track and lost. Like I'm running around in circles trying to find something that will never be. How do I get back on track when I've never been on it in the first place? Does anyone have the right answers for me? I know this is something that I have to figure out for myself, but wouldnt it be nice if someone else could do it for you?

I can think back about a 2 years ago, and I remember that I was a fairly happy person then. Just finishing up beauty school, thinking that I was getting my life started. I'm not sure what changed from then until now. I just don't know.  

You know, it's strange. I tend to be a very optimistic person, and feel like I usually know what's going on in my life. But recently, I have no clue. No ideas. I'm literally lost, and every decision I'm making is a guess. A guess that I dont want to know the ending to because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong one. Every day seems to be the same mundane thing, over and over again. I need something new. Somewhere new. I need a new me. A new outlook on life.

And now I don't even know where to go from here. At this very moment in my life, I remain lost. I hope I can find what I'm looking for.

I hate bitching about my life. But sometimes you just have to...it feels good to get it all out..even if it's to a blog that no one reads. At least it's out...makes it a little more realistic.