40 eight

So, as you know, my last blog was very lengthy and about weight. Blah blah.

Well to be honest, I haven't been feeling too great lately. And mostly about myself. I just haven't been very happy with myself. I'm happy in every other department in my life (except job, but that's not uncommon). I've just been facing some major personal struggles lately...and I'm not sure why. But it's making me extremely frustrated =|

So. I've decided that it stems back to this whole comment that Brandon made to me, and yes, I know that's it's dumb. And I shouldnt let it bother me, but truth of matter is, it does. SOOOOO much. To the point that I hate him. And I don't hate people, that's just not my thing.

I was talking to Dylan tonight, after a shitty day...and I was crabby all day. Which sucks because that puts him in a bad mood too, so I felt really bad. But he told me that I almost have this anorexic vibe going on. Like no matter how thin I get it'll never be good enough..I'll always see myself as being fat. And as shocking as that was to hear, he was really right. I know that I'm not fat and not obese...nothing of the sort. I'm not super scary skinny, nor do I ever want to be. But I don't think I'll ever be thin enough for the standards I have set for myself. Which is scary and stupid because I'm encouraging women all over to embrace their curves and love their bodies. But if I cannot love my own, what gives me the right to try and motivate other people to love theirs.

It makes me feel like shit when I step onto that scale and see a number that is too high for me. Keep in mind I haven't exceeded 140lbs for about a year. But that's totally unacceptable in my mind for my body. Why? I have no idea. Some days I love my curves and other days, I hate them. Hell, my boyfriend loves them and tells me I'm beautiful.

I'm going to start believing him. I've decided that I'm going to throw out my scale. It's an unhealthy obcession that I have with it. I think I weigh myself every day. Every damn day. That's no way to live.

I want to be healthy. That's my MAIN reason for working out and eating better. Health. So am I not counter-acting that by having this unhealthy obcession with what I look like?

Yeah, I am. So, I'm done with it. This is me changing and turning over a leaf. New me. 

Starting now.