5

I figured out why life is hard and why decisions are hard to make. It's taken me a while, but I finally have it.

There are too many options. Love has too many options. And won't you agree that love is one of the most difficult things that you have to deal with in life? Oh I'll agree to that.

Love makes life hard. Really hard. And that's because there are too many options. How is that our grandparents and their parents were, for the most part, able to stay in one relationship for their whole entire life? They didn't have as many options as we do. I mean some people even had arranged marriages and whatnot, but hey, they made it work right? Or they married their high school sweetheart and grew old with them. They loved each other unconditionally. So what the hell is wrong with people, myself included, nowadays?

Now I'm not saying that I don't enjoy options. But I am saying that there are too many. Im just so frustrated with love right now.

How do I know that I'm making the right decisions in life? How do I know that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing? I guess I'll never know until it's said and done. Or maybe I'll grow old and be alone. Maybe I need to be alone to have it all figured out. Who the fuck knows. 

Some days I wish that I could just run away and never look back. I just want to get out of here and start over. And you know what, tomorrow ill probably look back at this blog and wonder what I was thinking. But that's why I like to post blogs like this...when I'm full of emotion. I think that's the best time to write. 

I just need to know that I can be truly happy in life. You know, really happy. Not just fake happy. Sometimes I think that I'm happy, but then I doubt myself and what I have going on. 
I just doubt too much. 

I feel off track and lost. Like I'm running around in circles trying to find something that will never be. How do I get back on track when I've never been on it in the first place? Does anyone have the right answers for me? I know this is something that I have to figure out for myself, but wouldnt it be nice if someone else could do it for you?

I can think back about a 2 years ago, and I remember that I was a fairly happy person then. Just finishing up beauty school, thinking that I was getting my life started. I'm not sure what changed from then until now. I just don't know.  

You know, it's strange. I tend to be a very optimistic person, and feel like I usually know what's going on in my life. But recently, I have no clue. No ideas. I'm literally lost, and every decision I'm making is a guess. A guess that I dont want to know the ending to because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong one. Every day seems to be the same mundane thing, over and over again. I need something new. Somewhere new. I need a new me. A new outlook on life.

And now I don't even know where to go from here. At this very moment in my life, I remain lost. I hope I can find what I'm looking for.

I hate bitching about my life. But sometimes you just have to...it feels good to get it all out..even if it's to a blog that no one reads. At least it's out...makes it a little more realistic. 

cuatro

Okie dokie. What shall i write about tonight?

I honestly dont have anything in mind, but i know that i could kind of be productive and write...since i havent in a while. And the last post ranted on about a butthead...

So!

Okay. so i'm moving to Maine next September. Hopefully. I'm really trying hard to make this happen...I just need something new in my life. I feel like i've become stagnant in this area...like i cant really go anywhere with my life here. I know that probably sounds pretty lame, but it's true. I honestly don't want to spend the rest of my life managing a cost cutters. 

Thanks, but no thanks. 

So, i'm going to see what Maine has to offer. And you may ask yourself, why there? Well...this is going to sound even more lame...I read a lot of Stephen King books, like a lot. Like i've read more than half of all his books. And i love them all. And most of his books as set in Maine. I know that almost all of what he writes is not true to what Maine is like, but I'm just attracted to that area. and if it's a lame reason, then so be it. I just want to go and spread my wings and try something new.

I dont have any major commitments here. no kids. no house. no pets. no life. no nothing. so why not?

I mean, i will miss my friends and family a lot. they're my everything, but it's not like ill never come home and visit. because i will come home and visit a lot....i remember when i went to college in la crosse, i was home every damn weekend. sure that was only 3 hours away, but i guarantee i'll be home at least every other month. at least. 

so thats an interesting thing happening in my life. maine! yay! 

hmmmm, what else?

i've been working out an insane amount. once, if not twice, every dang day. I'm not trying to get ripped or anything, just trying to tone up and be as healthy as i can be. heart disease runs in my family, so any way that i can help to prevent that, yes please! sign me up :) ive lost about 4 or 5 pounds. so yippie!

blah, i lead a boring life. So i guess that's all for now! until the next time!

3

So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. And i kind of cut the other blog short because i was at a loss for words. which for the most part i still am. 

ugh, there's just been so much going on lately, it's insane. 

So my ex and i broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together one last time. and broke up one last time. and I'm pretty sure he hates my guts. and he has every right to. whatever.

why was i so indecisive? ha ha i wish that i knew. and each time that we broke up, id get back together with this other guy. so i was literally putting both of these boys through a whirlwind. which is so unlike me. 

as i sit here and type this. i wonder why i even started. this isnt making me feel any better. but i'm going to continue anyway. 

my ex and i got back together. there were a lot of unfinished feelings. i thought. and the last time i really thought we were going to stay together for good. like the long haul. until he lied to me. the thing of it was, it was a lie that he could have been honest to me about and i wouldnt have cared. i would have brushed it off like it was no big deal.

i have a friend. this friend and his friend didnt like my ex. which is their choice, fine. they pulled a prank on my ex and probably a few other guys too. they made a fake fb account and pretended to be some hot chic...they stole pics off the internet and it was legitimately a fake account. they added my ex and began to talk to him. i guess they gave him one of their phone numbers, but pretended to be this girl still. they said that the girl was drunk and wanted to hook up with my ex, and do some sexual things. blah blah blah. they gave my ex a fake address to drive to..where they actually were...he drove to it. thinking he would get to hook up with this hot chic. he got there, called the 'hot chic' and got no response. they told my ex that the hot chic was passed out drunk and couldnt come to the phone. etc etc. 

okay. so i knew about this story before i got back together with him the last and final time. 

one day, he and i were going to get some food together. we had been back together for about a week and a half. he was telling me about this fake fb account that added him. he goes on to tell me that he talked to this girl on chat blah blah blah. he then tells me that the girl said she was drunk and needed help...making him seem like a good guy...and then he said that he called her and found out it was a fake account.

I asked him if he tried to meet up with her or anything. his response: no way. id never do that. 

okay, so i know it seems like a small lie. and he and i weren't together when it all went down. but at the same time...why wouldnt he tell me that it happened? i dont know. so i left it alone.

there was another incident. he was always very secretive about his text messages. which is fine. its his business. it was fine, until i found out that he was texting a caitlin chic all the time while he and i were dating. and it was fine until i found out that he had intentions of meeting up with her. and it was okay until i found out that he had romantic feelings for her. and then it was a little less okay when he tried to lie to me about it. and whats make it worse, was that he told me he would never ever date her, and that he was never ever going to be attracted to her. 
wanna know what happened? they ended up dating for a brief period of time. i find that interesting.

want to know what else i find interesting? why i was so bad to him that he had to lie to me about those minor things? why i was always second best to him.

he claimed that i would never be second best to anything. well why do i feel so shitty then? it's been a month since i told him goodbye for the final time, and he still breaks my heart. 

the funny thing is, is that i was the one who told him goodbye. because he lied to me. 

I'm not going to make it seem like i was always so good. because you know what? i did cheat on him once, but you know what? i told him about it. and he and i resolved that issue. i had thought we did anyway. but he kept bringing it up and making me feel guilty about it. 

so i guess im just writing to get everything out. to make it legit. to make it real. because in my head, things just dont seem real at the moment. and i feel like the bad guy once again. i feel lost and confused. i'm sure ill find my way though. i always do. 

i mean. it's not like he's the first guy to ever lie to me. and i doubt that he'll be the last. 

but for now, ill say goodbye. in hopes that ill learn to forgive him and that he'll be able to forgive me and not hate me. i guess i cant live with the fact knowing that someone hates me. 

sometimes, i'm such a girl. 

two

I'm writing in puke green, because I feel like I could puke. 


I'm not sure if it's because I'm hung over as fuck, or because I'm depressed/confused/disappointed as fuck. I'm pretty sure it's between those two though. 


I feel like my life could be a tv show. It's so hectic and confusing it makes me want to vomit. Which I've already stated, but I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. 


Blogging usually makes me feel better, so I'm hoping it works. 


I'm one of those people who should probably keep their mouths shut sometimes. Well a lot of times. But I choose not to and it always bites me in the ass. Ugh, let me explain.


So. My ex and I broke up...previous blogs...and I thought I was cool with it. Well in the meantime I met a different guy, starting hanging out and liking him. Okay, well while I was seeing this other guy I couldn't help but think of my ex. Which I'm sure is normal, but then I had to go to him and tell him that. Which I shouldn't have done. I should have just let it be. 


But like I said, I have a big mouth when I shouldn't have one. 


So then I was stuck in a hard place. 

1

Today is a bold text day. I'm so frustrated. It's difficult to write. 

Okay, like seriously. 

We dated for over a year, you told me you loved me and whatever. Things were serious. I break up with you and you act like it doesnt matter and you dont care. Im kind unsure how to feel about this. 

Yes, I'm extremely glad that the break up went really well. Don't get me wrong, and I may sound hypocritical when I write this, but. It was like he didn't even care. There were no real emotions. 

He didn't chase after me. He didn't stand outside of my window with his radio blaring 'our' song trying to win me back. He didn't sob to his friends about how he couldn't live without me.

Nope. Instead he sat down and split all the bills with me, and took a girl out on a date.

Well, I guess that means I'm in the clear to date. If we're only waiting a week and a half after a year + relationship then so be it. Fine. I won't tip toe over emotions or walk on egg shells anymore.

Yeah, those are selfish thoughts of me to think. But I didn't even feel like I mattered after the break up. Like I was just another girl to him, and he wasnt even upset about it. And the hypocritical part of this blog is, I guess that's what I was hoping for. But at the same time, it wasn't. 

I confuse myself sometimes. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm glad that it ended. Now that I look back at it and think about it, he should have tried to make me stay. He should have tried harder to make me happy. I deserve someone who will do that for me. Because I DO THAT. I chase after someone when I care for them, I give them all the happiness in my ability. 

Why do I date people that I feel like I have to help? Why can't I just help myself first? It's harder than it sounds.

And I can't stop listening to this Ellie Goulding song called Every Time You Go. It describes my emotions to a T. It explains the relationship perfectly. 

Tape me up, then break me up. Ever so gently, when I'm at my weakest. 
It's not so hard...every time you go.

Okay, well now that I got that all out. I feel a bijillion times better.

Part 2

I haven't wrote anything...blog, journal entry, notes, anything...in a really really long time. It's sad.

I've been sad. Let me explain...

Ever feel like you're missing something in your life? Like a really big thing in your life? Well i was feeling that. And as you know from my previous posts, I was in a pretty serious relationship with a guy. And he and I were great together. We didn't really fight and we got a long really well. I dont think we should have moved in as soon as we did, but that was my fault because it was my offer to him. But i look back now and know that that wasnt the best decision ive ever made. but in all reality, everything happens for a reason. 

Im a firm believer of that. I believe i was sad because i was missing something in my life. what i'm missing, i have no idea. but i'll find it some day. probably. and well, if i dont, then i don't. things were getting to the point that i was becoming that bitchy girlfriend. constantly nitpicking at everything. ugh, i started to hate myself because of it. i didnt like coming home and being mad or sad about something dumb. i started to doubt myself. every time he was on his phone i felt like i had to know who he was talking to. was it that caitlin chick whose kinda ultra weird? idk, just dumb things like that. i even made him delete her from facebook and from his phone. i see that they're friends again on fb and probably talk now that he and i broke up. but..good. maybe she's better for him than me? i mean i knew that he loved me and that he was faithful, but sometimes the i love you's didnt feel 'right' to me. like they weren't whole hearted. ugh, anyway. im rambling. everything happens for a reason. 


i meet new people every day. some are good, some are bad, some stay and some leave. im glad i met him. im glad he stayed as long as i let him. i have no hard feelings towards him, and wish him the best of luck. im glad i felt the way i did and im glad i told him and things happened the way they did. i cant predict the future, but i couldnt see our futures heading in the same direction anymore. it just wasnt there. 

So im not going to sit here and bash him or say bad things about him. because I dont have any bad things to say about him...i just feel like i had to put myself first for once. I never put myself before others. ever. it's an awful fault of mine, and it gets me in trouble more often than not. im a firm believer that you have to make yourself happy first. so instead of being a hypocrite, maybe ill take my own beliefs and make them happen?

anyway. i guess that's about all. time to start a new part of my life and see where it leads.