So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. And i kind of cut the other blog short because i was at a loss for words. which for the most part i still am.
ugh, there's just been so much going on lately, it's insane.
So my ex and i broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together. broke up. got back together one last time. and broke up one last time. and I'm pretty sure he hates my guts. and he has every right to. whatever.
why was i so indecisive? ha ha i wish that i knew. and each time that we broke up, id get back together with this other guy. so i was literally putting both of these boys through a whirlwind. which is so unlike me.
as i sit here and type this. i wonder why i even started. this isnt making me feel any better. but i'm going to continue anyway.
my ex and i got back together. there were a lot of unfinished feelings. i thought. and the last time i really thought we were going to stay together for good. like the long haul. until he lied to me. the thing of it was, it was a lie that he could have been honest to me about and i wouldnt have cared. i would have brushed it off like it was no big deal.
i have a friend. this friend and his friend didnt like my ex. which is their choice, fine. they pulled a prank on my ex and probably a few other guys too. they made a fake fb account and pretended to be some hot chic...they stole pics off the internet and it was legitimately a fake account. they added my ex and began to talk to him. i guess they gave him one of their phone numbers, but pretended to be this girl still. they said that the girl was drunk and wanted to hook up with my ex, and do some sexual things. blah blah blah. they gave my ex a fake address to drive to..where they actually were...he drove to it. thinking he would get to hook up with this hot chic. he got there, called the 'hot chic' and got no response. they told my ex that the hot chic was passed out drunk and couldnt come to the phone. etc etc.
okay. so i knew about this story before i got back together with him the last and final time.
one day, he and i were going to get some food together. we had been back together for about a week and a half. he was telling me about this fake fb account that added him. he goes on to tell me that he talked to this girl on chat blah blah blah. he then tells me that the girl said she was drunk and needed help...making him seem like a good guy...and then he said that he called her and found out it was a fake account.
I asked him if he tried to meet up with her or anything. his response: no way. id never do that.
okay, so i know it seems like a small lie. and he and i weren't together when it all went down. but at the same time...why wouldnt he tell me that it happened? i dont know. so i left it alone.
there was another incident. he was always very secretive about his text messages. which is fine. its his business. it was fine, until i found out that he was texting a caitlin chic all the time while he and i were dating. and it was fine until i found out that he had intentions of meeting up with her. and it was okay until i found out that he had romantic feelings for her. and then it was a little less okay when he tried to lie to me about it. and whats make it worse, was that he told me he would never ever date her, and that he was never ever going to be attracted to her.
wanna know what happened? they ended up dating for a brief period of time. i find that interesting.
want to know what else i find interesting? why i was so bad to him that he had to lie to me about those minor things? why i was always second best to him.
he claimed that i would never be second best to anything. well why do i feel so shitty then? it's been a month since i told him goodbye for the final time, and he still breaks my heart.
the funny thing is, is that i was the one who told him goodbye. because he lied to me.
I'm not going to make it seem like i was always so good. because you know what? i did cheat on him once, but you know what? i told him about it. and he and i resolved that issue. i had thought we did anyway. but he kept bringing it up and making me feel guilty about it.
so i guess im just writing to get everything out. to make it legit. to make it real. because in my head, things just dont seem real at the moment. and i feel like the bad guy once again. i feel lost and confused. i'm sure ill find my way though. i always do.
i mean. it's not like he's the first guy to ever lie to me. and i doubt that he'll be the last.
but for now, ill say goodbye. in hopes that ill learn to forgive him and that he'll be able to forgive me and not hate me. i guess i cant live with the fact knowing that someone hates me.
sometimes, i'm such a girl.
